Away But Not Gone

And now, Shasta gets real…  To be honest, this blog has become an example of many projects started and abandoned throughout my life.  What first begins full of steam, once tedious drops line by line until off the priority list completely.  Unfortunately that has been the case for this blog, and at times, for Saba Cooperative as a whole.

But that does not mean things have been slow or stalled for Saba members.  Exactly the opposite!  Evan, for example, built an earth sheltered tiny home at Bardo Farm and then began an adventure as an “ant” in Wheaton Laboratories “ant village“.  This project is unique and inspirational in so many ways and we are very proud to support and follow him through his experiences here at Evan’s Permies log.  hobbitfeet

Rich Angell continues to expand his skills as a permaculturist through completion of the Permaculture Design Course at D’Acres.  He is ever pursuing his passions of music, farming, yoga, fermenting, brewing and wildcrafting (to name a few).

Other members continue with their unique passions and goals including arts, natural health, parenting, social activism, community building, and spirituality.

As for me, all my dreams came true.  I opened a treatment program, a clinical practice with outpatient and supportive housing services for individuals struggling with addiction.  I accomplished what I spent over 10 years working toward with regard to higher educational pursuits and direct service experience.  I opened an office in New Hampshire and a section of the Domes to clients who needed care and began building my treatment empire.

Unfortunately, once I got there, it became clear it wasn’t where I wanted to be for many reasons.  Rather than detail each reason now I will focus on the main and most important: Personal Authenticity.

To put it simply, I realized I was a fake.  Although I knew all the right words to say (or thought I did) and presented as highly knowledgeable of healthy functioning and behaviors, deep down at my core I struggled with negative self image.  I felt hurt, sad, and disappointed most of the time.  I had unhealed pains and unresolved resentments that I refused to admit I needed to look at.  Despite my struggles, I attempted to present as healthy and positive to everyone in my world.    I was the stereotypical professional persona refusing to admit to myself the symptoms of my own “imposter syndrome”.  Only my closest companions (I apologize) were witness to the difficulties of this.

So, long story short, with the treatment program now closed I finally feel safe to let my authentic self show.  I’m starting to become more accepting of exposing my imperfections and weaknesses without feeling inferior or that I’m letting people down.  I’m starting to be capable of doing my own healing, because I’m letting myself see, feel, and experience what I need to.  It’s painful and beautiful.  But the work is the lesson and I must practice what I preach.  Today I continue identifying ego and working toward transcending it.  I intend to continue publishing articles on this process and commit to doing so in a way that is authentic and raw if necessary.  I dedicate myself not as a clinical counselor, but as a humble conduit, a channel, knowing that divine wisdom is not of my personal intelligence.

Today I am also in yet another amazing location participating in the reformation of an exciting intentional community Seven Springs Sanctuary.   This place is a dream come true and beautiful beyond what words can describe.   It has over 100 acres of trails with orchards, food forested fruits and veggies with greenhouses, tiny homes, ponds, a river, waterfall and, of course seven natural springs.  This place has so much to offer and still so much untapped potential.  This year Seven Springs Sanctuary will be hosting Wwoofers and Couchsurfers so if you’re interested in visiting and helping out the community, please contact for more info.

Thank you all for your support and sharing this journey with me.  Please know I am here for you as I am aware your energy uplifts me along my way.  And as always, I look forward to seeing you at Saba!

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